At the end of 2019, I went to the dr based on an intuitive hit that something was wrong. I had been getting more and more sick and I remembered some fibroids another dr had found after my youngest child was born in 2007. The ultrasound confirmed that I did have the tumors and there were a few of them, bigger than the dr had seen in awhile. She had a hard time even finding my uterus and was shocked I had been working and walking around for so many years, as they were the size of a full term pregnancy. Surgery was scheduled immediately within the month to remove everything.

But it wasn’t coming out that easy. What was supposed to be a 90 minute procedure, turned into 6 hours. I lost a lot of blood, a specialist had to be called in because the arteries had grown to the width of fingers and somehow severed other parts of my body. Later, I would have body memories of those 6 hours that they almost lost me. Not that they’d tell you that. But the body knows.

The recovery was brutal and to be honest, it’s still ongoing. But a lot changed after that. I woke up from a spell and realized a great deal. Other stories for another day, but that’s another reason I think I almost left this plane. Because everyone knows near death experiences shifts your entire existence. And mine did.

But today I am thinking about what happens when you have to rebuild your entire core from scratch. My surgery site has been aching lately and it could be nerve endings finally healing or something else. My body is always very literal with its messages and how they tie into my journey. As I struggled through what I considered a basic 30 minute yoga session, I was humbled and reminded once again to hold the gravity of what my body has been through. Not only the surgery and removal of what looked like parasites in my creative center. Not only the way my heart shut down afterwards. Not only the flashes of ways I was touched and treated disrespectfully by someone who said they loved me. It’s all connected. I’ve come a long way regarding my personal power, my expression in the world and being who I am. But my heart is having a hell of a time right now. I cannot rush it.

I’ve reached the paradox of understanding and releasing those who’ve hurt me and holding space for my body to heal. I’ve reached a milestone of seeing the ways I’ve caused harm to others and myself too. I’ve come to the crossroads of seeing how we are all so connected at such a deep level and finding gratitude for what I’ve learned. It’s not a prerequisite for life to get to this leg of the journey. But for me, it is. I cannot help but to always come back to love and to search every hidden corner for where I left those parts of my heart.

It is a fire in me. And as I rebuild this core and see the thread between it and my heart, I breathe softly, knowing I can relax and trust that every step is one toward life.

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