I’ve got this song on tonight, during this new moon in Pisces.
I just got done having a talk with my oldest child, who is actually an adult of almost 25, about the energy I’ve been feeling around this new moon and the previous weeks. I found myself telling him, as he is planning on doing a meditation tonight and some deep healing work, that the energy feels very much about our child hearts. We’ve been building up to some breakthrough I think and it feels very heart centered. He mentioned he was craving cotton candy and I squealed. I do that a lot. My child self has been very front and present and sassy as hell. I was a force before the damage. I’ve only had inconsistent glimpses since. Until last year.
I shut my heart down to heal after the last bit of damage. It was a shit show of epic proportions and a catalyst to finally stop the cycle I’ve been in for a long time. These energies are asking me to open my heart again. Spirit or someone is sending me songs that are very blatant in their messages. It’s like I never heard the words until now. Sometimes it makes me float and sometimes it pisses me off. I’ve worked very hard on the walls around my tender heart and I’m struggling to open it again. I want to be a strict parent and tell it to always keep the seatbelt on and never ever drive over the speed limit again. Look what happened last time I let you out. Disaster. Pain, beyond imagining.
And yet, everything I want is through the door of my heart.
I was listening to that song and it finally dawned on me why I had so many recurring dreams for years and years about abandoned amusement parks. I guess a part of that was obvious but mostly I’m confused about myself all the time. Children that have to grow up too fast for any reason at all, will struggle later in life. You’ll hit a wall at some point and realize you’ve been working your ass off to your own detriment. You’ll realize you’ve been carrying everyone’s burdens, putting up with a bunch of bullshit and staying loyal to some idea that feels more like a program running than anything actually true. You’ll probably get really angry once you get to this point. And then you’ll grieve your childhood and your adulthood too. Then you’ll get pissed again. But that anger is good. Because that’s when you finally say enough. And you choose yourself.
I think the oldest children are getting hit the hardest right now. Because we’ve been carrying so much shit too long. We lost our young hearts. We had to shut them down in order to survive and carry the weight of those who were supposed to carry it for us. We never really got the chance to mature emotionally. We had to hit the ground running and hope to god everything would work out. A lot of us became workaholics because that’s easier than dealing with emotions and relationships. Had we had the chance to develop at a normal speed, we would’ve had different opportunities in love and life.
My subconscious was trying to show me something with all those dreams. They were all different but the same. Fun rides broken down. Entryways closed up. No lights. Trash everywhere. Decay. Every time I had these dreams, I’d think back to when I was under the age of 3 and my grandpa would take me to this tiny little fun park in Topeka, Kansas called Joyland. I barely remember anything about it, but I stumbled upon it on accident a few years ago when I was driving through Topeka. I’d had no memory of it and then bam, there it was. Closed down of course. It’s been a lot of years. But it all came flooding back. My grandpa was my best guy and he always did fun things with me.
It’s been a slow process to reclaim my child self. And a very painful one. But I did stop having those dreams a couple years ago. I got myself roller skates and a big fluffy dog and I want to write stories like The Traveler that sparks the dreams my child self had. When I was little, one thing I absolutely loved was filling my sketchbooks with house designs. I had pages and pages of the most ridiculous and extravagant house plans you can imagine. Whole rooms dedicated to trampolines and movies and pools. I think about when I got my first typewriter and how happy I was. I wanted to write so many things. I wanted to see the world and it’s still such a tender spot as I have not experienced much of that yet. But she is very loud with her dreams on this dark moon in Pisces. It’s the time to dream again and dream big. I’m reminded every day how short this life is and it feels really important to open the amusement park again.