It’s apparent to me that I NEED to communicate with the world. I need to express. But for the most part, I hate the platforms available to do so. I find them akin to a toxic relationship where you feel like shit constantly. It’s a recurring theme for me for some time now. It’s taking a lot of untangling. I want to disappear but I know I would never be satisfied without an outlet to express. So, as I’ve learned through many connections I’ve had to leave due to feeling like shit while in them, first you leave, then you figure it out. Sometimes you have to rip off the bandaid, take a leap and hope to christ something catches you. In my experience something usually does. I try to stay fluid with these things, but the main platforms just feel like that one guy I kept sleeping with when I got lonely and always felt like a dumpster fire afterward. I should’ve known when I told him he was really cute and he responded with, “you’re not so bad yourself,” but during sex and with cringe awkward vibes. Every person’s dream. (insert vomit noise and extreme eye roll at myself)

I made a lot of tiktoks today and I’m going to put them here. I am not popular on tiktok and probably will never be. But I like the ease in which I can make videos and embedding them here seems to work fine for now. It’s a little less troublesome than making youtube videos. I need easy. I’m low on dopamine and am really struggling with the point of anything lately. I have random ramblings and that’s about it for now. I’m going to see about getting back on meds for my adhd and see if that helps now that I’ve quit smoking/nicotine for 3 months and stopped drinking.

I hope you all are doing well. Covid is running rampant in Ottawa Kansas and everyone is acting like it’s not. I grow weary and more angry every day dealing with entitled assholes whilst delivering pizza to the folks here. I’d like to stop doing it now, if I’m honest. Long covid is setting in for me and I’m very tired.

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