I feel there are many of you who would like my allegiance. It may be my own sense of loyalty pulling at my shirt tails but I do feel it nonetheless. The way humans are divided into factions of belief, even the ones who claim not to be. I find belief to be a slippery slope and one I slide down into like a turtle with a greased shell. I’ve spent much of my life trying to fit myself into this box or that, trying to stand on some absolute or to be loyal to this deity or that, but as soon as I do, the wind picks up speed and off I go into a new adventure. Maybe I’m fickle. Or maybe I am just Other. In truth, I feel like some primal force inside, like I am carrying around the whole ocean. It sloshes about in me and I love it so. I feel the deepest pain and the brightest love. It tears at the sand under my feet and then mends itself over and over. I live in a liminal kind of madness, comparatively. I do my dishes and pay my bills. My hands like to scrub the ketchup off the lunch plate and feel satisfied by a job that feels productive. It’s a relief when I’ve made enough money to pay for my car that I love driving around in, making webs of connection. But all the while, I am traveling with this being or that, in the ocean of my soul. Sometimes they sit in the front seat and we chat.
I find truth everywhere. In all the sacred texts and thoughts of wiser humans than me. Such genius we’ve born here in this place. I feel the waves expand and crest when I get a glimpse into the bigger picture. But I cannot put words to it. Who really can? I’m not much for ritual or worship or discipline. They feel like boxes to me and I’ll punch a hole right through them every time, despite myself. I’d rather sit with the spirits and deities and have beautiful conversations, sometimes pouring my ocean heart out because this life is gruesome in its beauty. I’d rather dance my love to the source of all things or find a red leaf and stick it in my pocket. I find there’s nothing much that I really want, but to be surprised by some glorious unexpected gift that might come along. And dive into it and experience it fully.
No, I just cannot give my heart to any one of you really. I feel beloved to all and by all. The way you move and the way you love and the way you exist makes me cry salty tears of unspeakable joy. I feel like I know you as I know myself. Each so different but that same spark of life flickering within. We are all so much more than this flesh and marrow. We are so vast and untamable. And unnamable. How could I not be free in such a world? Despite what they’ve demanded of me, how could I not be the force of nature that I am? I feel like everything and nothing and a mystery that does not need to be solved. Thank you for your love and wisdom as we venture into new territory. I am grateful.