I’m gonna riff

I think when you begin healing your trauma, something that happens is that everything falls apart. You realize you were only holding it all together out of a trauma response and that motor is just gone. Which I guess is a good sign?? But it reminds me when I used to take ritalin for 10 years and OMG I GOT SO MUCH DONE. And I was funny. And thin. And creative. And then I had to stop taking it and everything went to shit but my body started to return to a baseline that had been out of whack for so long because ritalin worked until it didn’t work anymore. You know? And I grieved for a lot of years over that persona that it created in me. I couldn’t access anything anymore. I sometimes wished I could take it again. I actually did try last year but it felt so weird, that I stopped after a few days.

It’s the same with trauma healing. And unmasking. And discovering my authentic autistic self that I’ve kept locked in a box most of my life. They are out now and will not go back in.. I don’t want them to but holy fuck it’s vulnerable to just start stimming in a public place. Most of the time I can make a choice to hold still but it’s getting more challenging. The tiks (as I’ve always called them) just come out now. And I can’t even be on social media except to make a post and then dip. I feel bad for not liking other people’s content lately but I cannot absorb anything and my heartrate goes up just opening the apps. Social media changes me into a mess of a person that I cannot deal with.

Also there is a flow available to me now but I resist it because it feels scary. It lacks any of the rigidity that I used to employ to get things done. Part of it is that I just don’t have the executive function that I used to and part of it is that I am entering a new way of living without the motor of trauma driving me.

Also, I have been thinking about being poor. I’ve been poor my entire life. I do realize “poor” is a sliding scale but I think if you’ve ever just not had access to basic needs and have had to make do, waiting for the next upswing, have had to let others buy your necessities, or worried how you were going to buy groceries for your kids or yourself, then you’re poor. I do recognize that I have privileges that others do not have and it could be way worse. I’ve had pockets of time where I had enough and there was so much peace. But times like lately where unfortunate events happen and take whatever money I had saved up, I start to feel that same primal fear that I’ve always felt. And then I feel bad on top of bad for having that fear. I notice that I guilt myself for not being further along. For not being “better” at handling the stress or trusting the universe. I am a single parent, AFAB, no family to catch me and barely any support from the father of my children. I work pizza delivery and freelance art because that’s what I’m ABLE to do and am uneducated, no degree, I couldn’t do it due to my disability which I did not know about until my 40s. There are some privileges I have and some I have not had that has made it very hard to get anywhere secure.

And yesterday I had this whole realization that OF COURSE I FEEL PANIC ABOUT MONEY BECAUSE ANY SANE PERSON WOULD IF THEY HAD CONSTANTLY LIVED ON THE BRINK OF HOMELESSNESS THEIR ENTIRE LIFE. Being chronically poor is like being chronically sick. Sometimes you have good times and people think you’re doing great! But mostly those are small windows compared to the overall picture. It’s traumatizing and when you start getting into spirituality, it gets really fucked up with all that manifestation shit and whatever else they’re calling it. It involves work to what? Trust that somehow you can pull yourself up from your bootstraps etherically in a system designed to keep you poor? Sound familiar? Sometimes it feels like capitalism wrapped in another face. Telling people if they can just get themselves to the right frequency, then they will finally experience success. I’m not saying there’s not something to it, but there are SO MANY POOR PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, and you’re telling me they just aren’t doing it right??

And I think this was one of the parts of christianity that actually made sense, true christianity, not this whitewashed bullshit you see everywhere today. I’m talking about Jesus and hear me out. He was here for the poor. He was the poor. He didn’t preach about manifestation. He taught about relationship to Source. Not as a means to an end, with the end being security through wealth. But as that relationship being the wealth. Of course, that’s all become convoluted too. But ultimately Jesus was like TAKE CARE OF THE POOR YOU ASSHOLES. Because he knew the system was corrupt even back then.

Anyway, all that ranting to say I’m just sick of beating myself up for this. Whatever is going to happen will happen. As time goes on, there is a huge part of me that wants to sell everything and just drive. I don’t know what my work will look like. I don’t know anything anymore. I have three years left until my youngest is done with school and then we shall see. But I’m not spending anymore of my precious energy doing mental gymnastics to participate in a broken system. That’s not where my wealth lives. xo

Leave a Reply