The other night when I was using cannabis, I had this one thought come in and stop me in my tracks. I had been processing the long pattern of narcissistic relationships in my life, starting with both father figures I grew up with. It’s a whole paradigm crumbling in the world at large as more and more people become aware of this behavior.

“The last narcissistic relationship you’ll have is the one with yourself, then you’ll be free.”

What now? When that thought came in, I immediately gaslit myself as I do when any amazingly clear communication from my wiser self comes in and said, “it’s just crazy weed thoughts that will make no sense later.” Nevertheless, I typed it out in my phone notes and continued my evening of bliss.

I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I think about the idea that we have to learn to parent ourselves and how hard that is when the model we had was less than stellar. I think about that part of me that seeks to isolate myself from everyone I love when I’m feeling any way that seems like it’s too much. I think about that nasty voice in my head about everything. The voice that contradicts what I really believe and my truest loving self. The one that rips me to shreds about my autism, my vulnerability, my “lack of success” in the world. Isn’t it funny how it’s also the voice of my father and mother mixed together? My mother wasn’t cruel but she was absent in a lot of ways, dismissive. And isn’t it funny how that voice is reflected anywhere you look on social media? or in the world at large? This construct is very narcissistic. And as such, it is part of every person’s conditioning, whether they choose to express it outwardly or not. If you think about how we carry parts of our parents inside us, it makes sense that we also carry the world we grow up in as well. Until we see it and work to bring our true self up.

I found these on the internet.

After what’s happened for me personally in the last couple years, which has been a blatant lesson in Narcissism 101, I worried that I was the problem. And that’s skewed thinking now that I’ve had some time to contemplate more. It’s a power dynamic that we all play a part in. But for this post, I want to focus on how we internalize our abuser’s energy and behavior. Besides, my therapist kept telling me, if you’re this worried about it, then by default, this is not you.

But it gets in like a poison. This energy is meant to cripple you from being your fullest self. And in those moments where you are struggling, pay attention to those thoughts, that voice inside. And when I think about this, that thought that I got about my relationship with myself, makes a lot more sense.

It’s also interesting to me that the cord cutting I posted about yesterday was exactly the kind of energy I focused on in the ritual. It wears many faces and many behaviors. So it’s only been after I’ve chosen singleness, solitude and isolated myself for the purpose of finding my true self for the last year and a half, that I’ve been able to see it. And once you see it, you can reclaim your power and begin to operate outside of the power dynamic, even if it’s coming from your own mind.


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This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. houseofwyn

    I’ve been lucky in my life to have minimal contact with narcissists. My older brother exhibits these traits but after I was 16, he was out of the house and I didn’t have a lot of interaction with him. I see him maybe once or twice a year (pre-covid) and I see that he exhibits these traits. I shut him down when he’s being critical or sarcastic because I won’t play that with him. He’s clearly not used to people doing that and you can see it in his expression that he’s shocked when someone fights back. I feel bad for my sister-in-law but she finally put her foot down and told him that if he didn’t work on himself, she was leaving. I hear he’s made great strides so I send him loving energy to help him feel like he doesn’t need to push for the validation and control anymore.

    You are absolutely right about how the world operates. We’ve all been conditioned to climb the ladder (social, corporate, education etc.) and rise above our fellow human. Be better than, have more than, do more than. It’s all about bragging rights. You see it in car commercials where someone has a shiny new (insert car company name here) and the neighbor is admiring it. And when one doesn’t have the money or status to lord over someone, they can still act superior and speak in judgement of others in order to get the feeling of being better than. Then of course there is instagram, a platform that makes folks want to appear a certain way to others, mostly people they don’t even know outside of the internet.

    We are reaching a breaking point and change is coming. I see it more and more all the time that kindness, generosity, integrity and gratitude are on the rise. Continue to be kind and generous to yourself and know that I am grateful for people like you who recognize the truth and are speaking about it. That’s how we keep that change coming.

  2. juliemontinieri

    The hallmark of the narcissist is that s/he makes you feel like it’s you — you are the problem, never them. So of course you wonder, “Is it me?” When I’m saying to myself, “Wait, what?!” I can be sure I’m dealing with a narcissist.

    This isn’t to say we all have our roles in these dynamics but the narcissist is the thorniest in my experience. They don’t do “power with,” as in let’s support each other in our power. The do “power over,” as in I am always one level above you.

    I appreciate your insights and your determination to extract yourself from all such debilitating relationships.

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