I notice patterns. And I notice energy. These days I try to not assign “good” or “bad” as I tend to go into a paranoid state too easily and that’s never productive. It’s just a matter of knowing there is cause and effect. And there is what feels like an authentic path, but it does get confusing. That’s part of healing, I think, to learn what choices made from conditioning feel like vs choices that are actually aligned with who we are. It’s a whole process because conditioning can feel right for a long time until it finally occurs to us what’s going on. That’s why we must have so much grace for our journey as we unplug from the construct. We literally have not known better. It’s like taking off layers and layers of clothing that never felt right but we kept wearing it because it’s just what we’ve always done.
I think there will come a time for you when what is authentic to you presents itself and it will become more clear. But even then, it will be a process of making choices, sometimes reverting and again, no judgment for yourself! There are young parts of you still inside that may need a lot of time. I think autistic folx in particular are super susceptible to conditioning and we cannot beat ourselves up for how long it takes us, ever. No one should. Trauma and PTSD, especially early on, can do the same thing.
For me, I’ve noticed a few things in my life where I am still learning, but making breakthroughs. And after seeing a tiktok video on the public page, I got a confirmation for something I’ve noticed that was happening every time my wiser self pushed me to accept a thing and make a different choice. The particular issues aren’t important here, as we all have our own things. So the process was I would finally realize a thing, and I’d have an A-Ha moment and make an intention, within myself. Then I’d notice choices being presented to me for the thing I’d want to leave behind. Where there was no activity whatsoever, suddenly the thing I’d said goodbye to was all up in my shit making me doubt myself and what I knew to be true for me. It’s been several cycles of this kind of thing and last night it hit me in a new way, thanks to that tiktok I stumbled upon. I love how spirit uses that app.
Choosing the path that is right for you, especially when it is one that veers off the “normal” will give this pop of openness when you consider it. Under any fear or hesitation, there is this soft sense of possibility and freedom that comes in. That’s how it is for me, anyway. It is a very brave thing to choose the uncommon path, to listen to your inner knowing and to tune out of everything the world is yelling at you. It takes brutal honesty and courage.
Last night I did a candle magick ritual to cut chords from those things in my life that have been holding me back. Again, it does not matter to state what they are here, everyone’s is going to be different. But there are three main things I’ve noticed that I’ve been wishy washy with but for whatever reason, have definitely contributed to the stuckness I’ve felt in the last several months. When I made some decisions last night and knew I’d have to be brutal in my will to make changes, that pop opened up in me. Suddenly I found myself doing things I haven’t been able to do in a long while. Life force. I wanted the candle on the right to be the energy that feels like it wants me to stay stuck, all those forces that do exist, that show up in so many ways, keeping us from fulling living in our magick. The candle on the left is for me. I used rose petals sent by a friend and salt to make the circle, because I am grateful to these things that have taught me so much and want to send love out to them, and also invite love in to the space that has been in the void for so long. I’m always amazed at how these things go, so I wanted to share the bit where the chord was cut. If the video doesn’t work, you can see it here.