There’s so much I want to talk about. These retrogrades have really been bringing up core wounds for me, root wounds. I’ve been exploring them with the new eyes I’ve grown over the last year and despite the crushing anxiety I’ve been carrying lately, I’m also very curious and just trying to hold them. They’ve shown me places that I have been giving my energy and not feeling valued, not feeling seen. In contrast, there are places I’ve experimented with where I have felt valued for my gifts, experience and wisdom and I can feel a stark contrast. I get hung up on “being a working artist and needing various platforms to make a living,” but I’m starting to see that it just does not work for everyone. In fact, it only works for those who have garnered the right kind of attention in this construct. I’m tired of aesthetic and the feeling of no connection. I’m tired of giving my energy and talents to a hungry monster who just wants to consume me or scroll on by without a thought. For me, this is how social media feels. Maybe some of us are just too sensitive to energies to be in such places. I’m grateful for those souls I’ve found who I’ve built friendships with there, but things are changing. I can feel it on the air.
And every time I make a decision to leave a construct (friendship, relationship, connection, environment) that seems to be working fine for the majority, I get a wave of anxiety that feels like a reprimand. A heaviness. I’ve been noticing it for awhile. We have to look under the surface and know there are things going on that we cannot see. Isn’t that what the whole world is about right now? Exposing the underbelly? As an animist and one who practices shamanism, I am in close awareness with these energetics, as anyone who is sensitive might be if they can let go of the “common wisdom” for a little while. How does your body feel in a space? With a person? In a community? Is it really a community? What do we even know of community anymore? That pushback that I feel is not just me. So much of what I’ve felt my whole life, I’ve just blamed it on me being me and in a way that is not serving my knowing of things. When you exit the construct in any way, there is always a pushback. And it had me wondering why. I think there are lots of reasons, but one that keeps coming back to me is energetic vampirism. I don’t even think people realize what they’re doing most of the time. I’m not even sure it’s people at all. But I just kept getting a sense of being fed on while other people thrived. It’s just built into these platforms. It has to stop.
The outage yesterday felt amazing. I found myself hoping facebook and IG would never come back. And that’s something for me to listen to.
At the very least, I choose to exist in my own space. I’ve set up the energetics here to be a safe space. I value myself and respect myself to find those spaces off the beaten path where real connection is possible. Where honesty is possible. Where I can be my fullest self, whoever that is on each day. And where I can shift my offerings to a place where being valued is possible. That’s me parenting that inner child that felt invisible and not heard. I don’t want to compete in the race of likes, popularity, attention for the sole purpose of having attention. I’m not built for it.
Will my small business tank by choosing not to participate in those spaces? I can’t answer that. I’m jumping off this cliff because it wasn’t working anymore anyway. I’m guided by some wiser part of me and by Spirit and the great Mother. Mine is an uncommon path, but my greatest desire is to find others who are unplugging themselves as well and join me in spaces that nourish our weary souls.