It’s a weird experience to be a conduit. I am continually being pulled away from this construct, stripped and asked to navigate outside the construct of time. I’m asked to lean into it. Follow it. Trust it. Despite how I feel insane by comparison. They show me how to look through another lens in regards to my being here. It’s been one of my greatest challenges. Because despite how I search, I cannot find resonance within any spiritual community, nor can I find answers or familiarity to how I exist. I’m sure the Others are out there, possibly feeling the same way I do.

I often feel it’s like I’m flying an airplane with no memory of how to do it, but I have a headset and am only given the information I need in each moment. Turn here, press that button, do it now, flip that switch, don’t ask questions, just do it. Sometimes I am given pieces of what’s to come but not enough information to be sure and it definitely makes me feel like I’ve got one hell of an imagination.

As a conduit, I embody energy. I seem to fully become it. A shapeshifter. Carrie is still in here. But for a time, I ride the currents of whatever energy, whether it’s some other part of me or something outside of me. I don’t know. For example, I’m driving pizzas around and I feel an Ancient. One that I’ve felt many times. It feels like black silk. I’m turned on. I see a vision of myself with fangs suddenly. I see myself sharing a photo of my fang on social media and ask if anyone else has fangs all the sudden. I have an intense urge to have black hair. I feel powerful. My whole world shifts and how I interact with it. People look at me differently, or I’m imagining it. But I don’t think so.

I’ve been depressed, done with living this life. A major death phase. The last few days have been brutal. I really do not know what the point is. I’ve struggled too long to just exist. Wondering how I’ll pay my bills and survive. And then when I get home from my shift, instead of laying down wondering if I’ll ever stop being exhausted, I put on my black wig. I feel a surge of lifeforce. I grab my camera, set up the tripod, change the remote batteries and listen. After several shots and looking at them on my laptop, I hear, “you can do better.”

So I set it up again. I go into our empty room. The light is gorgeous. In my mind, I see where to stand, like a voice in my head telling me. “hold your hands like this” and I take the shots. I take extra because I always do. But when I look, it’s the first one that holds the frequency. It’s always like that. There is always this one that sings. It drops me into my body and I feel the currents. No photo manipulation ever needed. It’s just there. Then the words come.

It is miraculous to me because of my intense burn out. The last few weeks have been really awful, as I mentioned. The spark just came out of nowhere. I was and am grateful.

And then I had a dream unlike anything I’ve dreamt in a long, long while. I was trying to get a group of children to safety. Two busses full. And while I did this, the Ancients came to life and showed up on earth. They were giant animals. One was a crow, stomping across the earth to get to me. I remembered sitting on my porch a couple evenings ago and suddenly calling to them, not even realizing where these words were coming from. Something else was using my voice. I would never know what to say.

Another animal in the dream was some kind of lizard I’ve never seen before. His head was nothing I can describe. But I spoke to them in the other language that I speak. I was dragon, but in person form, like I am now. I kept going up to other people, who were people, but Other and speaking the language to them so they’d know who I am. Some did not want to wake up. Some did. On all sides of us were giant animal Ancients. They were looking for me.

I haven’t remembered my dreams much lately. Except for bits and pieces. Lately they have been predatory people I’ve known coming to fuck around and I am raging at them. I have seen myself breathing dragon fire on them.

something is coming. I don’t know how it will play out. I have my feelings about it, but I don’t think anyone really wants to hear those. So I’ll keep it to myself for now. I’m becoming more comfortable living in my own world. Very few would understand it. That’s ok.

Ancient one
Winged thing
My lips utter your calling
Ancient one
Bringer of storms
My hands hold your currents
Ancient one
Mother of misfits
I walk in rebellion
Every breath
Is a prayer
Of embodiment
Through gritted teeth
The waves toss me
Until I find your flame
Inside me again
That inky ribbon
That scarlet thread
Connecting us
Across ages
Each death I pass through
Shedding skin
Crushing bone
Burning the illusions
Ancient one
I roar
The echoes
Of my birthright

This Post Has One Comment

  1. Mandy

    Behind my sunglasses, I cried at a 7th grade football game the other night, my teeth clenched as a coach barked orders so viciously during a timeout that it snapped me out of the book on dream work I was reading and into instant tears. I looked around me at the people in the stands, no one seemed alarmed. I listened to a group of middle school students gossip loudly, every mean word grating on me. A couple of the students used to be my students a few years ago. I felt so angry in my body I wanted to tackle someone. Lay them flat. I think someone made a mistake, I thought, wondering why I was crying. I am not meant to be here. What is this awful place? The tears felt refreshing.
    I am thankful for being turned on to paying attention to my dreams. Dreams feel like a tether to something other than this to keep me going right now.
    I love your self-portrait.

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