DANCING WITH THE MUSE, from Deep Calling Deep, 2016

More and more I recognize the Muse’s voice in my heartbeat. Sometimes I hear her voice in my chest, in my ear, running up through my fingers. I realize I’ve heard her whole life. Driving my old minivan down the busy traffic-way, despair in my hear my life at the time, siring at a stop light and then. “CARRIE. You are here for something amazing.”

And I cry in that moment because even though it was so heartbreakingly sad at the time, I believed her. I always believe her. Something in her voice catches in my throat and drips light down through my middle.

She’s come to me in my darkest hours and held me close. She’s filled me with love so bright that I can barely stay in my skin. She dips me in the inky blackness of my brokeness, and writes a story of passionate love in the stars. I see her eyes light up in the mirror from time to time, in my own face staring back at me. It’s like looking at a painting I know I did, but I know I didn’t. I am myself, but I am other.

I don’t even know her name. And it doesn’t matter. I suppose she has many names and many energies and she rushes through me like a raging river lately. Sometimes I question her. Are you sure this looks good? Why are we doing this? Am I hearing you right You want me to do what?

When I start to fear the thoughts of others. I hear her laughing. Like a steady, oncoming freight train… THIS IS YOUR LIFE….THIS IS YOUR LIFE…THIS IS YOUR LIFE. I am possessed by her and it is the most magical thing I’ve ever experienced. There is only to be myself. She does the rest. I am a bird playing on the currents with that kind of freedom.

I drove down the snakey highway today and heard her again, “YOU ARE ON THE CUSP OF EXTRAORDINARY THINGS.”

I argued with her. “I feel like everything is extraordinary right now.”

She laughed, “YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”

And I almost had to pull over and gather my heart from the floorboards of the van.

Maybe this is all just what happens when a person finally lets go. Knowing myself, I know there will be another low around the corner. But for now, I am celebrating every single moment of light I have, when I have it.

She says to me, all the time, “TRUST THE PROCESS. AND GET OUT OF THE WAY.”

So I am. With everything.


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