Maybe all people are sponges to some degree or another. You’re born and then you have to figure out how to be here, who you are and all that jazz. It’s a whole thing. We all absorb who we are around most. They say you are what you eat and that you carry the same attributes of the three people you spend the most time with. If you’re lucky, you have parents who instill some sort of stability into your life and encourage you to be whoever the fuck you are. Maybe they send you out on your journey, always making sure you remember that it’s YOUR life and not some reflection of theirs. I did not have that and that is why I have done so for my children. Despite all the other mistakes I’ve made, and we all make them because none of us knows what the fuck we’re doing, I am proud that somehow I managed to grow four very independent, very unique human beings who all seem to think for themselves, or are on that path of discovery. *toots own horn*

But I’m almost forty-five and still phasing in and out of identity. I’m an enneagram 4 and that is a whole thing it seems, if you know anything about all that. It seems to be more pronounced in the last year. Almost like a top spinning frenetically before it finally stops. For me, realizing I am a sponge, for whatever reason, is a good place to start. It gives me a point of focus that I must have strong boundaries for myself. That’s been apparent for a couple years. It even seems my physical body is also rejecting everything that other people can tolerate. There is a fork in the road and I’m being pulled down one side that is way less traveled. There is grief because not everyone can come with me. There is love because I love myself enough to keep going and for the connections I’ve had thus far. All have taught me something valuable. But if I know anything, I know my path is not common. What goes in will come out. And if I am a sponge, then I must surround myself with everything that is congruent with my highest good. There seems to be no room to wiggle at the moment. And I think that has a lot to do with the part of life I’m in as well. Phasing into the crone.

I also think this is the path of someone very sensitive. Everywhere you look, opinions are flying, this is the right way, that is the wrong way, you’re cancelled and you’re shadow banned, and if you want to manifest your dreams, put some water in a cup and say some words and $7,000 will be in your bank account by Friday. And if it’s not, you’re just not doing it right….WORK HARDER. I’m not knocking any of that, truly. But it’s become noise in my head and whiplash as I try to take in information and organize it and switch tracks constantly and then end up at the therapist’s office taking meds that once again do not work for me. In the end, I feel like a lunatic and even then, I must offer myself love because it’s actually a very logical response for someone who picks up and absorbs everything around them. The message out there is to be successful you must become this and this and this and for a shapeshifter, it becomes poof poof poof, constant phasing in and out of form like some confused mutant.

The boundaries I must have to keep my sanity and share my gifts with the world might seem intense, but what I offer to this world is also intense and beautiful. To me, in this moment, that is the ultimate self love. To give myself the gift of silence and absorb something nutritious and congruent to my own frequency. To release those I have grown apart from, with love and gratitude. To forgive myself and those who have participated in harmful situations with me. To focus on myself and my peace of mind, knowing I can only change myself in the end. This feels good to me right now.

p.s. I quit smoking, vaping, cannabising, alcoholing, and am working on some other addictions at the root. I am making amazing progress. my body seems happy. I feel grounded and calm. Hopeful.

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