(CW: gender dysphoria, photo is for mature audiences)

It never occurred to me
That I could change my body
That I didn’t have to wear
The same swimsuits
Just because I was born
With a vagina and breasts
Someone asked me once
What kind of woman are you
And I said, “I’m not”
A string of people
Have been adamant
Shoving it in my face
You are a woman
You are totally a woman
You are ALL woman
And everytime
It made me want to cry
It made me squirm
It made me angry
Why?

Except for those times
I thought woman
Was needed
To be loved
In the ways
I was missing
Some ghost
In my heart
Mimicking
In all the ways
I was told to

I used to wear a blindfold
When I was a child
I wanted to see
With something other than my eyes
And now, I want to bind
My chest
So i can see myself differently
Somehow
Some voice silenced
By the loud hanging
Of these breasts
Maybe discover something
Hiding

I feel like a question mark
A hybrid

I like the dip of my waist
The hourglass swerve of my hip
Blooming
I like my limbs
The song they sing
With line and form

My breasts feel wrong
Beautiful as they are
Like something out of place

Would i miss them if they were gone?

I remember when my body changed
From a tall line
To a terrifying shape
The shape that draws
The wrong kind of attention
As if I can only be sexual
In the shape of female

And what is female anyway?
But something we decided on
The majority
And their lens

Sometimes I feel like
All
Sometimes I feel like
None
A starfish
Undefinable

Sometimes I feel
Like wearing wigs
Makeup
A bra
I’m playing a part
Because it’s beautiful
This drag

Am I a He
That won’t admit it
Because too many
He’s
Have been monsters
And I’m ashamed
Already
The idea intrigues me
When I’m honest

I wonder what it would be like
To be a man
With that expectation
That I owned the world
Free to move about
Without eyes
Sizing me up

But where
Would I go to the bathroom
And would anyone
Love me?

But in truth
In this moment
I feel utterly
Neutral
Wishing my body
Was smoother
Flatter
With a surprise curve
To keep you guessing

Patiently awaiting a binder coming in the mail

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