So, I had a thought today and I hope I can do it justice, because I was out delivering pizzas and then I got pissed off about some things and forgot for awhile. So it goes.
But I was thinking about how I’m always scared of the police, even though I never do anything wrong (mostly). Quite the opposite usually. I’m scared of getting caught doing something I didn’t know was a wrong thing. I have huge fears of authority: bosses, pastors, teachers, whoever. I carry this fear of getting caught doing something wrong all the time. Since I was a kid. Always wanting to know all the rules and expectations to make sure I didn’t get in trouble.
If you take the abuse I’ve experienced out of it, and I don’t think you really can, it makes sense that I have huge anxiety around Fucking Something Up. Sometimes I feel like my whole existence is a Fuck Up, but I’m working on that.
And then my thought train went back to god. The God I was raised to believe in. The ultimate authority, up there watching for me to Fuck Up. I tried so hard to be good. I always have. To keep from doing something wrong, and hoping that I wasn’t doing something wrong in ignorance. Always looking over my shoulder to get called out. And the times I have fucked up, because we all do, letting the shame engulf me in it’s fiery furnace that somehow freezes a person at the same time.
I had a dream a couple years ago. While out looking for a man that I thought had broken into my friend’s house, a black haired scraggly witch walked up to me in an outdoor marketplace. She handed me a note with a time and a place on it and said, “The Intergalactic Alliance wants to meet with you.”
And just like that I was PISSED. So angry. Because I was convinced that I had done something wrong and been caught. I was pissed because I am just down here doing my best as a person and was sure I was being summoned to be called out. For something….
I went to the place and it was full of aliens disguised as people. A warehouse with tiered seating and a projector up front with those clear sheets the teachers used to write on. I sat in the back and waited. And waited. Forever…and no one ever came in to talk to anyone. We all just sat there. And I woke up.
Today, when my thought train ruminated on my issues with authority and god and looking over my shoulder, waiting to get into trouble, that dream popped into my head. And I got it. Finally. Years later.
No one is coming for me. No one is waiting around the corner to call me out. There is no Big Boss weighing my actions, good or bad. That is just an old fucked up system plugged into little kids to keep them manageable. As if we don’t have our own moral compasses. But it’s kept me in a cage of fear. And no one is coming. No one is watching. I’m in charge of this spaceship and that was a huge revelation for me.
And if there is a god out there, and I think maybe there is something, I’d like to believe She is more like those people I know now, the loving ones, the encouragers, the ones who teach me how to make space for each other, lift each other up and carry each other through this life. The ones that feel good and the ones you never have to hide from. The ones who help me understand what love really is.