There’s this constant push and pull between what I think things should be and what things actually are. Or what they want to be. I’m not even sure where these stray ideas come from, these expectations of things. But I do know that I am the most myself when I get out of the way. Of almost everything. My life has had a different flow than what I’ve surmised happens for others. There seems to be different factions of existence or dimensional possibility as it were. This is why all of our realities are subjective and personal truth is so important, outside of things we can all agree on. Don’t hurt others, etc.
Certain schools of thought just don’t fit with some deep drumming in my blueprint. Manifestation ideas, for one. Feeling like I am the one running my own destiny, for another. Choices about so many things.
It takes a complete letting go for me to exist with some peace. Otherwise I feel as if I am constantly butting up against some ideal that my star shaped body refuses to fit into.
From my art needing to come out as it does without judgement to sitting in meditation, finally…but to be interrupted by a voice so familiar telling me to get up and type a message.
My peace comes in surrender. To what is leading me but also to the unknown.
I guess you always have to leave room for things to be as they are. A recognition that, for some of us, following a thread of Other makes more sense. Leaving room to be guided by some Mystery. A trust in life, which I’ve also struggled with to a great degree.
And yet, looking back I can see how the unfolding has always had my best interests in mind. An invisible hand.
I was reminded that it was 3 years ago yesterday that a bird named Myrtle was introduced to a large number of people, catapulting my presence in the world for a short explosive time. Something like Myrtle, who touched so many lives does strange things to a person who is learning to let things be as they are. To not push. To let the creation have it’s own life.
For something such as Myrtle, I want her to live on and evolve and continue to be a beacon of sassy truth. But she really does come and go as she pleases. And I have to let her.
I’ve spent a lot of time feeling like a Has Been, as attention on my work seems to have dwindled. Of going into a void and deep rest and not knowing what is next. Of not understanding why things didn’t “take off” like I thought they should. I’ve explored so many callings in the last three years, I’ve truly embodied The Fool. It is now the Great Beginning again. One of vulnerability and another layer of letting go. To be true to my heart. My unique calling. The Great Unknown before me. To stop feeling like I have to wrap up my existence in a pretty, cohesive, marketable package that is palatable to a larger market because maybe I’m sitting on an untapped goldmine.
More “ideas” to let go.
I guess we are who we are. And for me, that means to flow. To follow the thread. For as long as it needs to last. And then grab the next one. Maybe we’re all weaving this big tapestry and in the moment, not much of it makes sense. But we do it anyway because that is the work of life. And the beauty comes from responding to the deepest parts of our hearts. Our truest selves in every moment and knowing that we are changing and changing all the time.
All art is on sale in my shop through the 22nd. Also, The Starry Cauldron Tarot is marked down for a short time. Head over to see if there is any magic you are needing. xo
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