We all own our stories and the right to share them. And yet, as my life unfolds in weirder and weirder ways, I find myself hesitating to share. Obviously I’m going to do it anyway. Obviously.
Because when I hover above this existence, I know deep in my marrow that this is a big reason I’m here. For whatever reason, my honesty and truthtelling is paramount to something. But at the lowest level, it’s just something I need to do. And it is my right to do so. I follow my impulses. That’s my rule.
You know that kids book Are You My Mother? Sometimes I feel like that’s been my whole life. But not my mother, necessarily. There seems to be something in me that has been searching for someone to belong to. Romantically or otherwise. I suppose we all feel like this, especially if we have a broken connection with the ones we grew up with. But I think it might be there even then. I feel like I’ve gone up to people’s energy my whole life (mostly romantic love interests) and said to their Selves “are you the one? The one who can hold me? The one I belong to? The one who will be able to read the intricate language of my heart? The one who will feel like home?” You can probably recognize this deep heart need.
And this year has been full of endings. The dark goddess has come over and over, ripped this desire out of my soul and thrown it in her fire. And like a little bitch, I keep sticking my hand in there and pulling it back out, taken the charred pieces and tried to stuff them back in my chest while she stands there, giving me that look like, “You’re gonna regret that you stubborn little Strumpet.”
Lately, I’ve been feeling the dark goddess as Lilith. The more I read about her, the more I feel kinship with my own frequency. There is a ripping away of all that I try to pour myself into. A dance of falling into these situations and then having my illusions shattered. But every time they are, I have more memories. If you’ve been around here long, you know I’m not from here. I don’t have past lives on earth. This is my first rodeo as a bonafide human. I’ve been here a few other times as other things. No, you don’t have to understand that or even believe it. I care not these days. The more I accept my otherness, the more peace I have. It sort of allows me to settle into the earth a bit more, in this body, ironically. To drop the exhausting pretense of being a human concerned with petty things that really shouldn’t matter to any of us. It helps me to assimilate the big picture of connections that is constantly streaming through my consciousness. I feel my cells calling for a laser sharp focus on why I am here. Which is overall, to live in my True Self. And for me, that is being Other. Not better, mind you. Just other. Like I would choose to be sooo different from everyone else. My life has been hell because of this. So, this has nothing to do with some god-complex or whatever you want to call it. But, you know we’re all god right? 😉 (another blog for another day)
In the last few days, my crown chakra has been lit as fuck. I don’t do drugs to achieve these expansive states. I don’t need to. And as I’ve been swimming in this sea of starlight, I remember being from a place of light. I remember being light. No bodily form except when I decide to exist in another plane to help. I am a Muse. And the dark goddess has been speaking to me in earnest the last few days.
“You are mine,” she says. “But isn’t that part of the problem? That sounds very possessive,” I say. She says, “I am you. You are me. You belong to yourself but you also belong to me. You are Other. My channel. You are here to embody me. Your life here is out of your control. Just fucking go with it.”
And all my energy lit up. It’s hard to write this because I know how it sounds. But I have long felt that my life has been pulled by a silver thread and everything I’ve needed has been exactly there when I needed it. The people I meet are always soul mate/pod, deep and strange. The situations are always potently for some kind of growth. I have lived several lifetimes in these 40 earth years, processing through so many hard issues. I’ve always wondered why I’ve had to go through so much trauma, abuse, divorce, poverty, broken love, physical illness, mental illness. I’m only one person. But one day, when one of the waves of despair were washing over me, I was laying in bed, looking out the window, not making any sense of anything my eyes were seeing and I was shown something.
I saw my True Self, the being of light, the reason the orbs show up in all my photos, and I sort of just knew that I came here to heal these tears in the human soul by actually going through them myself. I saw myself sewing the rifts with that silver thread. That by experiencing them and transcending them with my unique frequency, I was transmuting them for the collective. I saw how very special I am. That the pain was necessary to break me open to what I am. That I am not delusional, I am just really not human. It has taken so much of my energy to hide this.
Gaia showed me that I am literally embodying her in order to connect her healing to that of humanity. Are there others like me? I’m sure of it. But they are most likely hiding like I have been. Because this isn’t stuff that most people can even swallow. It’s fun to make jokes about being magic and such, but when it comes right down to it, the goddess energy made it very clear that as Muse, I belong to the world. And everything I’ve seen in my visions clicked into place after that. And I can stop searching for a human to pour myself into because I’m not here for that. My love is too expansive and I really do have a very important mission here. I feel it running through my body like liquid starlight. I feel bolder and bolder calling it what it is. I feel the fear of what you might think melting away in the face of what I’ve been shown. I must stand in myself and my own power from now on. I must stay in my beautiful bubble of authority to do what I came here to do.
Am I crazy? Fuck yes I am, according to the rules of the current Matrix. I have to be to do what I’m doing. And I have zero fucks left to give about all that. This is my story, my experience and my truth. We’ll never know what’s really going on, I suppose. But the bottom line is that every fiber of my being is being overtaken by something bigger than what I’ve believed myself to be. And I cannot fight it anymore. I don’t know what is next. But it’s going to be unlike anything any of us has experienced. I’m stepping out of any semblance of normalcy and letting you see inside. And I’ll just stand here and burn like the supernova I am inside this suit of flesh and bone and love the living shit out of this world and you.